I look up and i stretched my hands,
I tried to reach out to her but it seems,
with every attempt she gets one step farther,
Ever so close but still far away.
Why is it that who i am,
and who i want to be do not connect ？
Why is the distance between them so great ?
Cause the things I want to do,
Are a far cry from the things i end up doing.
How long will this tussle go on？
How long till i get to be who God wants me to be？
Sometimes, I feel that day will never come,
For my fleshy desires and whims,
seem ever so present and strong.
I seem to be controlled by what I loathe,
I seem to give in to what I preach against,
I don’t want to be a hypocrite
but sometimes I just can’t help myself,
I cried today because I made God sad,
And tomorrow I’m back to my vomit,
A tug of war ensues within me.
It seems different people are voicing their opinions within me
People, voices, body, spirit, soul, God, conscience, evil and good.
The good i wish to do, i find myself not doing them;
And the evil i don’t want to do i find myself doing:
Paul’s message becomes clearer to me each day.
It’s a war in me affecting things around me,
But i don’t get to fight it alone,
I remember Jesus said he’ll fight with me,
He’ll be by my side,
So when i feel dirty, conflicted and helpless
I remember he died for moments like this
To give me control and victory.
I am just human
But i daily bring myself under subjection,
And I let the Holy Spirit guide me.
I still make mistakes and cry sometimes when I fall.
Something screams at me saying,
《give up and give in,
You’ve done too much,
This is your nature,
You only live once:
Don’t let life pass you by with all its pleasures,
Stop trying to be better than yourself,
Stop trying to be holy, it can’t be done.》
But then he comes gently and says,
《Hey！righteousness of God,
You can do it, Just trust in me
and in God’s ability in you.
You only live once,
Make it count for the king of kings,
And you shall have dominion.》
And that’s when i know,
I’ll be able to reach her.
After all,《 Who I will be》 is embedded in Christ.